Sunday, 29 March 2015

The Manly Man

The year was 1757 or thereabouts. I was dressed in a shabby waistcoat and britches, with very dirty boots. Standing in a muddy field I was digging like I loved mud, but what I was really doing was searching for a poor lost kitten that had sunk into the mud. As I was digging a fair maiden approached all white heaving bosoms and crinoline. She stared at me in wanton disgust. I said, "fair maiden do not approach any further as I am rough, coarse, and very manly...

The fair maiden ignored my warning and rushed headlong towards me, as she entered the deepest mud she fell bosom first into the sodden mire. I leapt from my kitten saving position and immediately began extracting the fair maiden from the filthy pit she had so elegantly dived into. The only way I could heave her from this sticky mess was by wrapping my manly arms through the mud and around her bosom and heaving with all my alpha male might. She then stood there in front of me covered in mud, and said, "you bastard manly man, you held my breasts in your peasant gnarled strong hands." She then slapped my face, and threw herself against my muscular manly frame and began kissing me. At that very moment I heard a tiny whimpering sound, it was the poor buried kitten crying for help. I tried to extract myself from the attentions of the fair maiden but she just held me even tighter. "Fuck the kitten" she exclaimed, "I NEED A ROGERING."

I was rather taken aback by the fair maidens rather outrageous behaviour, as like the cordless drill, female sexual emancipation hadn't been invented in 1757 or thereabouts. Eventually I had to use brute manly force to escape her wandering wanton hands. It was hard work heading for the spot in the mud where I could hear the sad cries of the desperate kitten, as the fair sexually emancipated maiden had somehow latched on to one of my boots. With a great amount of wriggling I was able to remove my foot from my dirty leather boot. I left the maiden spread-eagled in the mud clutching my manly boot between her crinoline encrusted thighs...

My Unicorn who could speak Olde Worlde English called across to me asking, "when are we going home for tea", that is in fact all my Unicorn could say, it appears he had learned to say this parrot fashion directly from a parrot. I knew I could not expect much help from my Unicorn as he hated mud and was quite camp, whereas my Dragon was very camp.

Whilst we are on the subject of vampires I feel I should come clean and state for the record that I am in fact a vampire. I'm not a fully fledged vampire as the only vampire blood I have comes from my mothers side of the family, my father was a zombie.

To be continued...