Tuesday, 16 March 2010

The Life of a Vicar

This wonderful poem was written by the even more wonderful Mr. Gary Walker.

The life of a Vicar
Is one I admire,

With a collar so white

And his simple attire.
The ladies adore him

They all flutter and froth,
“He so understands me
That man of the cloth.

If only my husband
Could have such finesse,
He plays darts once a week
And wants sex even less.
The Vicar’s so knowing
So handsome and true,
Oh God let me have him
Before my mate Sue.

I help out at church
And I ask for no fee.
Just one look from my hero
Sends me weak at the knee.
Sue waltzes around him
In skirts far too short,
She’ll go mad when I show her
The one that I bought.

He winked at me once
As I glided close by,
Sue mocked when I told her
“He had dust in his eye.”
Just bitter and twisted
And jealous of me,
I’ll show that old bag
Just you wait and see.

I was arrested on Sunday
For what I can’t say,
It was after the service
He’d asked me to stay.
The excuse was some cleaning
But I read his mind,
It was cassock removing
Before he went blind.

He was knelt in the vestry
When I locked the door,
And turned with a fright
When I laid on the floor.
He cried “are you ill”
As I lifted my skirt,
“My God” Mrs. Watson
Was he starting to flirt?

“Lay beside me” I said
“HELP HELP” he did cry,
He rushed for the door
“It’s locked” I did sigh.
“Please give me the key
Mrs. Watson I beg,”
“It’s safe in my garter
At the top of my leg.”

Then Sue began shouting
“What’s going on”?
“The police” yelled the vicar
This was all going wrong.
Why don’t you want me?
“Is it Sue?” I did say,
“No you’re very attractive
But sorry I’m Gay.”

The Police then the Firemen
Arrived at the door,
They smashed through the lock
grabbing me from the floor.
Both men were in uniform
All stocky and tall,
I said “You’re both lovely”
“Could I give you a call?"